Dear Diary #2: Why Is This Happening To Me?

Dear diary,

Last month I got penalized at work and one-third of my salary got deducted. This month, I’ve also been penalized, and only God knows how much of my salary will be deducted, again. And the month hasn’t even ended.

Why do I keep getting into trouble at work? It seems no matter how careful I am and no matter how hard I try, these mistakes just tend to happen. Very silly, avoidable mistakes, that I honestly shouldn’t be making after all these months on the job.

If I say those mistakes ain’t intentional (which is the truth), that will be making excuses, and nobody likes excuses, especially my bosses.

Truth is, some of these mistakes I make at work are so silly that every time it happens it does something to my self-esteem. I began to second guess myself and my ability as a Content Curator. Sometimes, it takes hours, sometimes days, for me to get over that one mistake.

Sometimes, it’s something as silly as using the wrong image, or the wrong caption. Like how can you use the wrong image/caption? How?

I’m honestly sick and tired of having to repeat one error after another. Not only is the money being deducted from my salary affecting me financially, but I also hate how the mistakes make me feel, and worst of all, I hate having to apologize for making them.

Saying something like, “I’m sorry ma/sir. It was my mistake. It wouldn’t happen again…” is akin to admitting that you are incompetent and unfit for the job. Or you’re a failure. Trust me, it’s the worst feeling ever. Sometimes, I instantly develop headaches or lose appetite when this happens. Sometimes I wish the ground can open and swallow me.

Then, when these mistakes happen more often than not, it becomes worrisome. And tbh I’m worried. I’m not worried that I might get fired, of course, I pray it will never get to that stage. I’m worried that this person who keeps making these mistakes isn’t me.

I’m one person who believes in whatever is worth doing is worth doing well. Do the job that you have been paid to do and do it well. No excuses. So you can imagine how these reoccurring mistakes make me feel.

How can I keep making one mistake after another? Silly avoidable mistakes for that matter! No, that’s not me. Something is definitely wrong with me and I need to figure it out before it’s too late.

Could it be a lack of sex? I haven’t had sex in years (you can read all about it HERE.) Please, what does lack of sex do to your body? Is my brain malfunctioning or something? Ahhh lol.

Or could it be sleep deprivation? Because I don’t get enough sleep during my work week. I’m up by 3:30 AM and sometimes, by 11 PM I’m still awake. That’s less than five hours of sleep and the good doctors say one needs to get at least eight hours of sleep to function properly, abi?

Whatever the reason, though, I need to get my shit together and that’s about now. I’ve been putting a lot of effort into ensuring these mistakes are a thing of the past and I’m really rooting for me. Dear diary, I need to be the best that I can be in my workplace, and indeed, every area of my life, wish me luck, please.

Who else is experiencing challenges at home? Do you sometimes feel inadequate? How do you handle the low moments?

You may also like: Dear Diary #1: Is This Writing Life Really For Me?

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